The 13th Anniversary.

Valentine’s Day officially marked the start of our 13th year of marriage.  13 years of tolerance and managing to avoid making it on the show Snapped.  Go us!

Last year for V Day/Anniversary he did literally nothing.  No card, no present, no nothing.  He didn’t forget.  He didn’t think it was important (his words).  As I did every year… I went all out.  This year.. I did nothing.  Literally nothing.  He got me 2 cards, an assortment of my favorite chocolates, and two very nice candles.  He even put them in a gift bag.

I also got a lecture on how long it has been since we have had sex (it’s “up” for debate since I count the time I tried and he couldn’t participate and he doesn’t) which turned into an hours long conversation about how he does everything and all he asks is that I have sex with him.

This is the pattern and conversation that we have about once every 30 to 45 days. 

• Phase One:
  • He is rude, ignores me, barely speaks to me, rolls his eyes at everything I say and do, huffs and puffs at the horrible inconvenience any time I ask for anything or ask to do anything, generally makes living together a joyous and pleasant experience.
• Phase Two:
  • He starts being physically affectionate, he makes it a point to talk about/point out/show me/touch me with his boy bits, he says nice things occasionally, he does nice things like bringing me Redbull or helping me with things, he will spend time with me during this phase, generally this phase is like living with a horny teenage boy with poor manners and no social awareness.
• Phase Three:
  • He requests sex by saying romantic things like “I’m probably not getting laid tonight am I”, “Let me guess… you’re not in the mood” or waking me up at 3am when I am sound asleep with his hand somewhere I don’t want it.
• Phase Four:
  • He instantly gets mad that his “advances” were unsuccessful in attaining the desired results and so he blows up and points out all of his wonderful qualities and all of my horrible failings.  It is during this phase that he pulls out winning quotes like “You’re lucky I don’t beat you.  Anyone else would beat you.” and “I shouldn’t have to me nice to me if you won’t use my love language”.

So for our Anniversary/Valentine’s Day I enjoyed my gifts, quickly followed by the usual fight lasting several hours… consisting of the exact same series of complaints, discussions, debates, and accomplishing absolutely nothing except building more hatred and resentment and making it that less likely that I will EVER have interest in having sex with any human ever again, much less the treasure I’m married to.