The 13th Year

Category: Uncategorized

  • … but he doesn’t hit me.

    Or, as my husband so eloquently put it, “I don’t beat you. Anyone else would beat you.”

    He is correct. He has never and probably will never beat me.

    However… abuse is not ONLY physical abuse (which I will go into in other posts). But in this post I want to address what I am now realizing is under-recognized physical abuse.

    For 15 years I have told him that it hurts a LOT when he grabs me by my shoulders. He grabs and squeezes HARD on my collarbone until I scream in pain. He will do this when we are in the car, during a massage, standing in line at the grocery store, at a friend’s house, pretty much anywhere and for no particular reason.

    He says he just “loves me so much he wants to squeeze me”, but I have been telling him for 15 years that it causes me extreme pain when he does it. The fact that he STILL does it (REGULARLY) after being told it hurts me for FIFTEEN YEARS… makes it abuse. Once is an accident. Twice? Ok… You forgot. After that… it is a conscious decision to inflict pain on someone. The fact that the response is anything other than an apology and change of behavior… is abuse.

    Another fine example is pain inflicted “while he’s sleeping”. I have been choked, punched, had my knee dislocated, been kicked, bruised, and otherwise injured while he was “sleeping”. At first, I blamed it on PTSD from the military or sleepwalking type behavior or other such things. But I have recently tested the theory and realized that while he claims to not remember his actions because he was sleeping…. he can conveniently “correct” my memory of events if I change a fact about the “sleeping” event.

    And again… I have never gotten an apology after any of these injuries only anger, deflection, blame, excuses… never an apology.

    The shoulder/collar bone thing is only one example of many instances where I have repeatedly told him that something hurts and for 15 years he has chosen to do it anyway.

    But I think one of the worst was after I broke my back. I had a horse wreck that fractured a vertebrae and I still have issues with it. I can’t wear pants that press on that area or lean on anything in that area. Nerve ablations have helped with the pain, but before I had started those, if you pressed on that area of my back, my legs would go numb and go out from under me.

    He thought it was funny to “smack me on the @$$” but he would hit high… hitting me in the lower back causing my legs to go completely numb and making me collapse/fall. On one such occasion, he did this and I fell head first into the corner of the refrigerator.

    I was angry. I yelled. I reminded him that I had repeatedly told him not to do that. He yelled back that he was just trying to be affectionate and then made the argument about how I am never affectionate. Deflecting the conversation away from his abuse and making him the victim.

    IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT IF IT HAPPENS MORE THAN TWO TIMES.

    IT IS ABUSE.

  • How to NOT Get Laid: Quotes from my Husband (Part One)

    Ok… I have to start with he funniest one… which was NOT directed at me. Instead it was when my husband was still a young socially awkward virgin. He was interested in a very pretty young lady with mixed ethnicity. He asked her if she was an Oreo. Yup… an oreo.

    Skip forward to the now old socially awkward married dude… He is still just as suave and his pick up lines and attempts at wooing me are just as filled with charm.

    My personal favorite and the most common in my household must be pictured with a sour attitude, arms cross, huffy tone, and general impression of a teenaged girl: “Let me guess, I’m not getting laid tonight. Am I.” *Add harrumph for effect*

    Usually that one is brought out when I have just vomited, when I am visibly ill, when I have a migraine, or when I am hurting for one reason or another. Admittedly… I am sick and/or in pain frequently (especially after my traumatic brain injury 2 years ago).

    Another fun one is usually following him being a complete jerk for one reason or another and me pointing it out. “So… you wanna?” Making me want to end the ambiguous non-sentence with “punch you in the throat?” or “kick you in the giggly bits?”

    Boys… if you want to guarantee that you don’t get laid… add these to your repertoire today!!!!

  • The Hardest Part…

    You know the hardest part of the whole thing?

    He has a lot of really good qualities.

    To start with the superficial obvious… he’s kinda hot. Definitely hotter than I ever thought I would end up with. I’m the nerdy, artsy, fat girl… always have been.

    He is also very motivated. He works extremely hard to make money and works a ton of overtime. He never sits still. He is constantly either working on making money or working on stuff around the house.

    I never have to ask him to do laundry or dishes or take out the trash. He just does it. He chops down trees and cuts firewood. He does all of the laundry and dishes (he’s OCD and wants it a certain way). He cleans the dog run, puts out hay for the horses, hauls water for the livestock, picks up feed etc.

    As he constantly reminds me: he lets me have horses and works hard so we can afford them.

    So he does have good qualities… which is why it’s hard to leave…

  • The 13th Anniversary.

    Valentine’s Day officially marked the start of our 13th year of marriage.  13 years of tolerance and managing to avoid making it on the show Snapped.  Go us!

    Last year for V Day/Anniversary he did literally nothing.  No card, no present, no nothing.  He didn’t forget.  He didn’t think it was important (his words).  As I did every year… I went all out.  This year.. I did nothing.  Literally nothing.  He got me 2 cards, an assortment of my favorite chocolates, and two very nice candles.  He even put them in a gift bag.

    I also got a lecture on how long it has been since we have had sex (it’s “up” for debate since I count the time I tried and he couldn’t participate and he doesn’t) which turned into an hours long conversation about how he does everything and all he asks is that I have sex with him.

    This is the pattern and conversation that we have about once every 30 to 45 days. 

    • Phase One:
      • He is rude, ignores me, barely speaks to me, rolls his eyes at everything I say and do, huffs and puffs at the horrible inconvenience any time I ask for anything or ask to do anything, generally makes living together a joyous and pleasant experience.
    • Phase Two:
      • He starts being physically affectionate, he makes it a point to talk about/point out/show me/touch me with his boy bits, he says nice things occasionally, he does nice things like bringing me Redbull or helping me with things, he will spend time with me during this phase, generally this phase is like living with a horny teenage boy with poor manners and no social awareness.
    • Phase Three:
      • He requests sex by saying romantic things like “I’m probably not getting laid tonight am I”, “Let me guess… you’re not in the mood” or waking me up at 3am when I am sound asleep with his hand somewhere I don’t want it.
    • Phase Four:
      • He instantly gets mad that his “advances” were unsuccessful in attaining the desired results and so he blows up and points out all of his wonderful qualities and all of my horrible failings.  It is during this phase that he pulls out winning quotes like “You’re lucky I don’t beat you.  Anyone else would beat you.” and “I shouldn’t have to me nice to me if you won’t use my love language”.

    So for our Anniversary/Valentine’s Day I enjoyed my gifts, quickly followed by the usual fight lasting several hours… consisting of the exact same series of complaints, discussions, debates, and accomplishing absolutely nothing except building more hatred and resentment and making it that less likely that I will EVER have interest in having sex with any human ever again, much less the treasure I’m married to.

  • The Final Straw

    After 13 years of marriage the final straw that made me decide to start documenting and taking the abuse more seriously…

    Last night my feet were cold. I put my cold toes on the back of my husband’s thighs (as I have done a million times before). He reacted by grabbing my foot with both hands and pulling my leg forward. I didn’t think too much of it at first. He squeezed my foot until I yelled “ouch!” and then he quickly twisted my leg painfully popping my knee and ankle. I cried out in pain and he threw my leg, rolled over and went back to sleep as I lay there crying.

    I lay there crying due to the excruciating pain in my knee. I got up and took tylenol and advil, laid down in my office with my leg elevated with ice on my knee. I texted him “When you grabbed my foot and twisted until it popped it was my knee and ankle that popped. Now I can’t sleep because it hurts so bad.” He replied with ?

    He went to work without saying anything to me. And when he came home on lunch, I brought it up again. He said he didn’t remember that happening. I said, whether you remember it or not, you assaulted me and caused me a painful injury. He got mad and yelled at me asking what I wanted him to do about it.

    I told him that a normal person would feel empathy or sympathy or perhaps guilt for causing pain to someone else. They might apologize, hug the person, ask if there is anything they can do to help, etc.

    Here is the thing… this is normal for him. Any time I bring up a way that he has hurt me, physically or emotionally, he gets mad at me and I end up having to explain to him how he should act. He makes it MY responsibility to tell him how to fix a situation he created by his actions.

    A normal person does not need to be told to feel bad for hurting someone. They FEEL bad for hurting someone. An abusive person does.

    But…. he did end up giving me a hug and telling me he was sorry after I told him that that was what he needed to do. Yippee.